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".... Actually, among
our 'enemies,' I've always held you in high esteem; partly for
your literacy, mainly for your dedication, and largely because
you haven't taken to 'the ends justify the means' approach. If
you'll excuse the expression, you've kept your skirts clean.
I doubt we'd ever be anything like friends, but I do want you
to know I do respect you and do have a healthy fear of your capabilities.
You're not someone I intend to cross swords with."
The passage above, excerpted from
an E-mail, was written and sent to me ~ January 25, 1998 ~ by
a pedophile.
I realize, there are many people
who may not understand this: Yet I know it took courage
for the man to write and state his views. Many pedophiles are
not very pensive; they are as quick to verbally assault those
who share their values as those who refuse to succumb to pressure
(attacks) and become apologists for endeavoring to protect children
from abuse; the overall mindset belonging to pedophiles does
not embrace individuation among their ranks, which is why the
identity of the man, who sent the message, won't be disclosed
to others Online. There's no debate between he and I. I know,
as he does, where we each stand. We don't hold the same opinions.
We each approach life very differently. But receiving his message
was a relief. The tone was not insulting, and the text was not
hurtful; no threat was presented.
Since April 1997, my life has been
drastically, adversely, forever affected: The ability to trust
people, with whom I'm not familiar, has been taken away completely.
This page isn't about advancing
any agenda ~ except public safety, and attempting to heal, following
the total disruption to my life throughout the past year. The
most effective way for me to begin is by examining the sources
and addressing the symptoms ~ having altered my life.
It has been several months since
I relocated after having received death threats ~ continually.
That isn't a subjective statement; it is a fact determined by
others far more objective: FBI Violent Crimes Task Force agents.
It's been a year since agents were assigned, and, still, I'm
not comfortable disclosing very much information publicly respective
of everything that's taken place; the federal statutes extend
several years and, surely, my efforts to help myself heal don't
encompass possibly compromising the integrity relevant to the
caseload presented by predators.
Not until very recently had I discovered,
I feel persistent distress as a result of the criminal acts others
committed that literally tore my life inside out. I wasn't overly-joyed
about moving from a residence I loved dearly; it was "home."
I now have a beautiful new house, which is spacious and well-appointed
with amenities (incentives from the builder). Yet I'm angry that
the choice to move was pretty much determined by the crimes predators
committed. The house was bought out of a "need" to
move after FBI agents affirmed the threats and, then, additional
crimes had taken place. The choice to move was made for me ~
by others' harmful actions. I now see houses, on lakeside property,
advertised, that are in the same price-range paid for the one
purchased. Choice and time to look further (at more homes) were
denied.
Two weeks after moving, my "love
bird" (a.k.a., a"dwarf parrot") died. I
didn't have time to say good-bye or to cry: A technician was
in my home upgrading the security system when my bird was discovered
dead ~ the day before my birthday.
Then, within weeks, my friend Boo-Boo
became seriously ill; he was my Siamese cat, and a constant companion
exuding unconditional love. He had been healthy till moving.
Just as I felt stress when he was feeling poorly, I think he
may have experienced stress, I had encountered, vicariously.
His condition was terminal, and his doctor, by his diagnosis,
offered only a few days for me to say good-bye to the li'l guy;
it also gave his mother, father, and brother a while longer to
be with him. The choices presented were, let him go naturally
and with great pain and suffering or monitor him and, when his
condition worsened, then make the decision whether to watch him
die or have his doctor help Boo-Boo journey to the land of sleepy-time.
Boo-Boo had given me so much comfort and love from the day he
was born, and I was compelled by compassion for him to ask that
his doctor assist relieving him of additional suffering. It was
a most painful decision; I was physcially ill for nearly a week
after Boo-Boo went to sleepy-time land; it was the day before
Thanksgiving. Boo-Boo was soon joined by his father: January
7, 1998. The loss of my two friends broke my heart.
I've been in my house nearly nine
months, and it doesn't feel like "home." It's because
I'm not at home here, and haven't unpacked completely. The thought
that something terrible could happen, which stems from the reality
of harm that has already occurred, diminishes the ability to
feel comfortable. Any sense of security, I may have enjoyed previously,
has been stolen.
The facets of life that haven't
been killed by predators: Faith and Respect.
My belief in and respect for laws
intended to protect people from harm and/or injury haven't been
destroyed. I'm well-aware of horror stories by people who believe
the law has been a disappointment in cases in which they were
victimized. The law, however, is not at fault; it's people who
disregard the law and who are indifferent to others also having
rights ~ to be free from exploitation and victimization. Criminals
are responsible for the victim impact, the effects following
criminal acts committed. Laws implemented as a knee-jerk reaction
to crime may placate some people, yet may evidence later as lacking
~ in that weakness and loopholes will be detected and put to
the test in courtooms. Criminals benefit from laws drafted and
enacted in haste while their victims are, subsequently, subject
to initial effects being compounded: Seeing perpetrators walk
free on a technicality leaves people feeling re-victimized.
Perpetrators are accountable for
their conduct. Their arrogance and disrespect for others' safety
and well-being are assets; they inevitably trip themselves, get
caught, convicted and sentenced. There is justice resulting from
their ignorance, and from laws that have substance and strength,
which will stand-fast when presented in court.
Time is predators' worst enemy
~ not I, and not additional children's advocates.
Equally important to losses that
I've felt in the past year, there have also been priceless lessons
and insights that I wouldn't exchange for anything in the world.
Resolve has evolved from continuity,
wisdom and strength of resources: My lawyer, friends, care-providers,
and law enforcement officers, and agencies assisting. The qualities,
support and service each has shared, with no expectation of receiving
anything in return, enabled me to see reasons for not giving
up ~ when doing so certainly would have been the least painful
decision that could have been made. At times, when it has very
much appeared that there is no end in sight ~ that the harassment
and stalking will forever remain on a course dictated by others
~ there has been a constant; a body of invaluable wealth: Others
speaking from their breadth of knowledge and experiences. Their
words have made the difference. They freely offer something
that has no external limit: Hope. They illumine the reason to
hold firm in my belief that there is goodness in people,
and that seeing it ~ radiate from within individuals ~ depends
on the choices each person reaches.
Though it has taken several months
for me to understand, I realize, I've been blessed. There are
angels who grace the earth and, though it's not very likely that
that may be how they perceive themselves, they're true treasures,
the people whose influence will outlast problems that have others
have presented. Their presence is a gift.
I've learned some things about
myself, as well; I made mistakes: I trusted the wrong people
for reasons that were right. I believed, because I wanted and
needed to believe in others, that their heads and hearts were
in the right place: Advocating not for themselves but for one
of the most vulnerable populations in society. Children.
I was also naive and believed their
understanding of pedophilia, child abuse, et cetera, far
outweighed my intelligence ~ respective of those topics. I trusted
unconditionally that they knew better than I. And I was wrong.
They had their sights set ~ not on advancing children's protection
but ~ on advancing the potential for profiting from children's
pain and suffering stemming from abuse and exploitation. They
have gained and have lost themselves in the process, now coddling
companies recognized as meccas for pedophiles.
They have abandoned children for
the sake of self-aggrandizement. It is a fact ~ forever inscribed
by their words and actions, with which they must live, and at
a price exacted at children's expense: The risk to children's
safety posed by pedophiles given service by companies that are
absent the conscience to reject sources feeding the bottom-line
~ revenues accepted and generated as a result of doing business
with pedophiles in the past and/or the present. It is unconscionable
for any company to defend or to have rationalized pedophilia,
a position that appears taken because pedophiles hold resources:
Revenue sought by companies, which, in turn, have been enlisted
to endorse and sponsor self-hyped children's advocates who are
missing the spine to find where they really stand. They are absent
clarity of character, defined by their decisions.
It is absolutely Machiavellian
for others to have presented themselves as children's advocates
to me while simultaneously having enjoined those who define(d)
themselves as pedophiles who self-reportedly prostitute information
~ and their souls ~ for making money from law enforcement agents
and agencies. The tack, abhorrent, incited criminals who targeted
me personally (and others with whom I work). It's beyond an insult
that they now suggest "the ends justify the means."
That is far from fact, yet a stance adopted while their lives
went on status quo ~ and very much without a backbone.
The means employed brought the
effects I've experienced firsthand by predators. Seeking to justify
the method selected, it is claimed, was done to help children,
that children must come first. That posturing, when convenient,
reflects irreverence for others' lives and safety. Fuel the flames
that inspire predators to behave criminally and it affects the
people willing to stand between pedophiles and children: Hurt
advocates in the process of purportedly helping children and
who will remain to advocate for children's safety and protection?
It is totally illogical to suggest that children's advocates
were ensnared in the process and practice of others' deception
because children need advocacy. It was done for the bottom-line:
funds garnered by pandering information to law enforcement serving
public safety. People, genuine and sincere about helping children,
don't place a price-tag on providing information that could help
others at risk for abuse. Using children and issues surrounding
their safety to make money from federal agencies is: Exploitation.
And stating that "the ends justify the means" is nothing
less than self-deception.
I've not shielded myself behind
a pseudonym or hidden behind others ~ so that they could absorb
harassment, and then some, for me while living in a cushion of
comfort and safety.
Time has been insightful, providing
lessons and treasures I will not forget... In friends, I trust:
In lawyers, I believe and respect: In law enforcement, I place
my faith and hopes: In others, I anticipate a complete background
check.
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